User: "​I think its slow because its Windows 7"​

Me: "​Sir, nobody in the agency is running Windows 7."​

User: "​Oh, then maybe its Windows 4, then."​

Me: "​No sir, there'​s no such thing as Windows 4... you'​re running XP"​

User: "​Yeah, XP is Windows 4... It came out in 2004."​

Me: "​ No, it came out in 2001... the name has nothing to do with the year it came out... Windows 7 didn'​t come out in 2007 either."​

User: "​My email is frozen."​

Me: "​Is it just the email, or the entire computer?"​

User: "​Just the email."​

Me: "​Have you tried closing your email and reopening it?"​

User: "​Well, nothing moves on the computer, I tried to click on the start button, but the mouse won'​t move."​

Me: "​So... the entire computer is frozen..."​

User describing an error message she is getting: "​It says '​Windows could not find...somethin​g...'​"​

Me: "​It doesn'​t say that. What could Windows not find?"​

User: "​I don'​t know."​

Me: "​READ THE ERROR MESSAGE!!!"​

FMYTECHSUPPORT TIP:
If you have a hard drive that makes a clicking sound when its trying to run, and isn'​t recognized by your computer, put it in a zip lock bag and throw it in the freezer overnight. The cold will make the metal arm(the part that makes the clicking sound) contract and will often allow you a few hours to transfer any important files before it warms up enough to give you problems again.

I have found a winner for the dumbest caller ever...

A woman on the phone just told me, "​Oh my God, I'​m afraid to live in the next couple of centuries."​

Don'​t worry, lady... you won'​t.

Email I just received: "​I have forty (40) CD-R CDs - I copied information into the CDs but now I need the CDs for another project - I need to erase / reformat the cds please - Is there a way to erase or reformat a CD-R CD?"​

Haha! Sucks to be you, lady.

A user was trying to get into her Outlook but was unable to. I saw nothing wrong with her account, so I suggested that she log in to one of the applications we use which gets the authentication info from the same server, because it gives an error message and Outlook doesn'​t.
User: "​It didn'​t work."​

Me: "​What did the error message say?"​

User: "​There was no error message."​

Me: "​Are you logging in to the application I asked you to?"​

User: "​I'​m just trying to log into anything I can."​

DO WHAT I FUCKING ASKED YOU TO DO, ASSHOLE!!!

User: "​I can'​t send emails."​

Me: "​What is the error message you get when you try to send emails?"​

User: "​I don'​t get any error."​

Me: "​So how do you know you'​re unable to send emails?"​

User: "​Because it'​s not sending."​

Me: "​How do you know its not sending emails?"​

User: "​The error message says it can'​t send the emails."​

Seriously???

User: "​It says, enter your new password…​ what do I do?"​

What the fuck do you think you should do???

User: "​It says if you are not this user, please click here. but I am…​ what do I do?"​

um…​ don'​t click there?